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...The Written ... |
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ATTORNEY'S |
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. (Two of these attorneys became Congressmen!) ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? |
ARE YOU GIVING 100% |
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: |
Harley-Davidson vs. God! |
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died |
Only great minds can read this |
This is weird, but interesting! fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! |
| Two women talking in heaven: 1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die? 1st woman : I Froze to Death. 2nd woman : How Horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. |
UGLY OR WELL USED? A FEW GOOD STATEMENTS! |
| She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back.
Look's like she's been bobbing for apples in a chip pan. Had more hands up her than sooty! She's got a face like a dog licking piss off a nettle. It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe! She's got a face that could make an onion cry. I wouldn't ride her into battle. Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege . I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole. More chins than a Chinese phone book. She smells like an alkies carpet. She has seen more japs eyes than an oriental optician. It's like shagging a pail of water. It's like shagging the sleeve off a wizards cloak! She's killed more cocks than a fowl butcher. Fanny like a ripped out fireplace. Face like a sand blasted tomato. Belly like a bag of washing. She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant. She's seen more helmets than Hitler. Face like a stunt man's knee. She's got a fanny like a badly packed kebab. Like opening the window and shagging the night . She's seen more cockends than weekends. Fanny like a clowns pocket. Fanny like a Hippo's yawn. She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out. I bet she's got a fanny like a pub carpet. More pricks than a second hand dart board. Face like a blind joiners thumb. She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew. She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo. Even the tide wouldn't take her out. Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard. Handled more balls than Dino Zoff. Piss flaps like John Waynes saddle bags. She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout. A chunt like a burst couch. A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters. She's had more seamen than Saltcoats. She's seen more stiffs than Quincy! Cocked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun. Fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. |
Subject: Another scam watch out everyone |
| A word of warning for those of you who may be regular Tesco, Asda or Waitrose customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get a few bits and pieces has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you! Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco or Waitrose. I had my wallet stolen on December 14th, 19th, 20th, twice on the 27th, 29th, and 31st. Be careful out there |
If you have any funny videos, photos or jokes you think should go on the site? Then send them to me via the link below. |
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